why can't I? why am I missing?

heart attack, but I'm back.
can't seem to puzzle up enough thought to drain this concept, Only that I'm spilling out some relinquished feelings of my old self. wow. where have I gone? who was I? who am I now?
corelating these words to the previous only seems likely to cause intense havoc. struck on the back with a kingpin. Am I lost? have I drown away from this god I oh so loved? Or am I simply evolving into higher conciousness? are you there God?
hatered has handed down an heirloom of my love... music. Is it in my head? am I feeling it? am I random joel the one I loved? or do I simply love the old joel and his random ramblings... I did not see my pleasent person but I do now. however I am going to re-read the me and see if there is anything to be.
inspire me old Joey.

OK so I won't abandon this one but there won't be quite as much updates on it anymore....

Last night I was speaking with my creator and reflecting upon myself and he gave me these words along with a vision that I wish to share.

This year I have traveled many planes of spiritual existence. From abundant life to eternal death. My spirit has undergone the largest metamorphosis yet. Now I have finally broken through this Iron cocoon. My wings stretch over the earth to guard the light that breathes from my lips.

I have made this decision. To weep not of myself but to weep for this dying creation.

I look into His eyes and no longer see death. I no longer see a desert of dry bones, but their awoken eyes. Soon they will stand. The grass grows beside them. Roses are born into the vision of the weary. They walk naked among each other. Flawless and unashamed.

The seeds are being planted within the fleshless. His kingdom come forth. The day of the church has died. The true body will unite in His song. The broken have risen. No longer do they slave to four walls. They are moving. An infection of love is spreading. Prepare for the day has broken.

because of the very small amount of readers that do read this here blog I've just about abandoned it now. I may post here maybe once in a short while when I feel like it.... but problably only a poem or two every so often if you want to read me still email me and I'll give you a link to my new journal... adios sporadic ictus I guess...

carving steps in your heart
I pluck the strings in a fashion of unfamiliarity
obviously you have not broken this enough
but your stinging my eyes with this charity
sagging upon other moments of notice

so just carve this out with your smile again
bend down with your crystal touch
reflect the demon before you
the reflection I see has transformed
bathing me with another smile
I will drown yet again
in this angelic pool of extacy

I will become...
disintegrating and dispersing into you
coward steps have lost their chance to burden
collect the thought and will the lost
a cloud has been placed
streaming forth from every movement
wrapping my vision like a serpent upon prey

so just carve this out with your smile again
splinter my flesh with your touch
reflect that which you see
maybe the mirror lies and you are the only true reflection
so break my heart with another smile
I will drown yet again
in this angelic pool of extacy

The storm occilates in ears.
Singing with undulated harmonies.
Ready to break the sky's decent.
Crave the wounder.

Slow motion sickness feeds blood to the eyes.
Opening ebony in sistren of the weary soul.
Lie your head upon this wall of thunder.
Rise while sleeping.

Sever the ties of enchantment.
Gaurding the treasured heart of omniety.
The wounds are already distraught.
Ache the thought.

With expressions too deep to concern the living.
The treasured is all but lost.

Death is dying.

Melting, I sway towards the river.
Hoping that somehow my figure wont distort.
The cool liquid scalds my skin.
And I lie warped among the rocks.

Life aproaches in a scaley capsule.
Dismissing my eyes with the remnants of others.
Scattered about like golf balls in a pond.
They stare endlessly unrested.

I watch my body slowly swirl down the rapids.
Dipersing with each wave.
I long for its familiarity.
To touch to feel another's skin upon my own.

But that is now lost.
All I have are eyes to see.
Blurred by the water
Motionless

The moments of darkness are overwhelming.
I can't seem to lose the soul behind my eyes...

The hand of another across my back awakens.
And I rise to be lit with wounder.
Mezmorized by this new body.
So perfect, so deep with color.

It has been here for so long.
My spirit. It is so beautifull.
I now see without my eyes.
And alone has vanished with the physical world.

Trodden smiles litter the street.
Smirking passed those paved people of wounder.
Locked inside their shirts and ties.
Carrying their pathetic lives in a beifcase.
Side by side, existant in a deadly harmony.
He gives his soul in song.
Yet still no penny.

Silent stops the crown upon his head.
Freezing for this multitude of the awakened.
He steps down into the gaze.
For loyalty does not exist within such a cloud of blackened hearts.

Fear bolts him to the ground.
His thoughts but mean nothing in this sea of altered states.
Bombarded by the demons that crowd the hall.
Escape will all but pass.

Outside these walls there are creatures
Consuming the living and the dead.
The seraphim comb the skies.
Burning for his call to wake the dead.

Your drop of immortality has awakened this order of chaos.
Rippling upon uncharted waters, forbidden to the sight of your soul.
Yet you take of this fruit. Smashing it upon your heart to nullify the pain.
And all that remains is a blackened child wrestling in the dirt.

But he calls to you.
The one that is living and dies for your heart to live.
Run to the skies to be taken by the light.
This Hell will vanish and in its place Heaven reside.

A sweatless whipe across my brow.
Staring down upon my victem.
Pulsating still his hands wither towards my face.
If i could only sleep upon this crimson for an eternity.

The chilled air moves me away.
Dressed in his cloths once again.
Longing for the sun to hold me.
The cool liquid stings my eyes.

A sweat filled whipe across my brow.
Staring down into the inferno.
Still and lifeless the eyes haunt me.
If only the flames could lick my wounds.

I stand naked.
Screaming at the ground.
The place I've walked my immortality.
Why does this road never end?

I've lost almost everything that is me.
The peices falling like litter.
I've killed myself too many times.
And now the beast is all that remains

The soft touch broke the skin and I awakened.
Pacing about the storm.
Withering about, injected with such an enticing poison.
This blood against mine.

I gaze upon the two veils of Aires.
Addicted to the soul behind.
I seize my breath for a moment.
To catch my heart before it drowns.

Carved ivory lines each corner.
So intricate. So enchanting.
Luring me deeper into intoxication.
Breaking every bone in my body.

And there I lie. In this corner of darkness.
The wide eyes are lost.
Torn out from the vision I call home.
And the desire only remerges in these haunting shadows.

"People demand freedom of speech as a
compensation for the freedom of thought
which they seldom use."
--Kierkegaard--

Eclipsing skies mount the eyes of the earth.
shearing the excess of light that exists,
intervening these dimentional planes of unidimention.
All a whole yet in itself many.

The crystallized sand beneath new travelers.
Exhales a life infinite.
Converting dimention into a mind.
Inhaling a number infinite.

Counting unidentified variables.
Synapses fire into a field of vision.
Rebirth is what it is.
Pure and in itself I have found his regenesis.

Possibility has arrived at the road of existence.
And here I was ready for explosion.
Griping the walls of the following.
Which had imploded long before.

I am over-perpetualized with peaceful attacks.
Bursting forth from beneath his cloak.
Photons tearing flesh.
Lighting up my eyes.

Revealing the ocean at my feet.
Revealing the existence mine to keep.
Scattering luminescence into his sky.
Regenerating pure genesis.

Scribe this name upon my stone ankle.
I stand before you in a thousand year gaze.
Waiting for time.
When knowledge will lose power.
A birth of beauty that fills young eyes.
Unopened. All so bright for they were never used amongst your genealogy.
Flames lick the earth in colors inexplicable.
Regenerating the pure genesis.
Hide it from us. This fruit apocalypse.
Scribe into us. This regenesis.

Quote of the day:
written on a table at work today
"Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but only you get the warm feeling inside." - annonymous

I want to travel to the holy lands, learn hebrew and greek er something and read the bible in its true and magnificent form... the way it was truely written. I want to interpret the ink on those pages into my mind and soul, not into english. I want to know exactly what jesus said. I want to listen to his words as they come out of his mouth.

This land this country (USA), used to have a god born culture but we destroyed it and it is pretty much deleted from cultural memory banks. We have destroyed a beautiful, advanced native culture that was viewed as savage through our truely savage eyes. I want to learn the history of gods creation. The true cultures of history and this remarkable world.

We have also deleted jesus... yes I mean this. The catholic chruch twisted the bible way out of context to the point that we are having a hard time coming back to the truth of what he said. Therefore I must seek it in its purest possible form, through creation. Not only nature earth and sky but the creatures that thrive here and not just animals birds and plants but the amazing humans that god developed and gave cultures. Gave ritual, history and purpose to. Amazing feats of wisdom and strength. Perceptions of mind body and soul. People friggin walking on fire for gosh sakes. I want to know their peice of god, who is not just the one who died for us "christians" but he is more. He created this world from the begining... it was not corrupted in birth. This world has been in constant contact with god weather you like it or not we are between hevean and hell... all that is created is of god, man compulsed by satan twistes his creation towards evil. We must look for creation.

'tis time he said... stood up toward computer. Type fast and be done....

Whispering faces crowd the drain below.
Leaky faces sweating rain.
Calling to the paved individuals that pass overhead.
Lost in a shimmer on this glass.
Reflecting the red dressed beauty.
Beauty it is across from his gaze.
His gaze filterd by his love and coveted by insecure fingers.
Tapping, shaking, sweating, thinking,
against forks, knives, spoons....
The wine glass in the hands of the drinker across the way.
The lonely lady waiting for a pass.
Staring towards the bar of souls that shake similar slender apendiges.
Opening doors to the nowhere.
Back to the street.
Back to the gutter and drain.

Crowd pleasing. Wow what a moment. capturing the essence of all existence right? Well thats what it seems. And only you can prevent it from manifestation...

Altering a monolisk with my sculpting eyes. It wavers slowly and then surrounds me. A cold capsule of light. standing in the center of this hall of gradure. The speed buy me with their millisecond gazes. Laughing inaudably. They feed upon me as they rot. like dying rodents after their last meal. Will I own this monopoly as it falls? The last standing in this room? Does my apathy protect against the virus? Or is it only heeding towards my exstinction? Do I seem to emminate some sort of plauge myself? I only wish to stand and watch it all fall. Then and only then can I create the better. which of course will all fall in the end and some other monolisk will consume the dead...

This is a denial, mine own.
Structuring the falts of the world in an algorithm.
Formulating concepts of the extremist.
But they all seem to negate eachother.
Leaving only one, mine own.
Sadly I pace my attic in search of a lost relic I can worship as my savior.
The vast sea of lamps crowd one corner but I don't ever feel like reaching that far.
Dormant clutter, thats what I am.
This is a denial, mine own.

A great day for a one sided conversation. I am the question and the answer. They spit out their answers slowly, their mouths full of the more important succulence. The spotlight centers with its poly-absorbent colors dancing about. But here am I, the questioner, never the questioned. The answers I give are only to my own questions.
What a wonderful existence.

Charred remnants of old garments,
Sting upon the surface of your gold.
Embroidered without the usual negligence,
Betwixt the jewels that caress her soul.

Hidden here are your thoughts,
Tucked away from your own sight.
Only her eyes can project,
These puzzled pieces of light

"I'm busy designing a new print showing a staircase that goes on endlessly ascending - or descending, if you see it that way. This would normally have to be a spiraling thing in which the top would disappear into the clouds and the bottom Hell. Not in my version … Nevertheless, it's possible to draw it with the correct perspective: each step higher (or lower) than the last one. A large number of human figures walk on it in two directions. One procession climbs wearily up ad infinitum; the other descends endlessly …

That staircase is a rather sad, pessimistic subject, as well as being very profound and absurd. … Yes, yes, we climb up and up, we imagine we are ascending; every step is about ten inches high, terribly tiring - and where does it all get us? Nowhere; we don't get a step farther or higher. And descending, running down with abandon, is not possible either.

People don't like to talk about falling; they'd much rather talk about ascending. Well then … I'm working my fingers to the bone, believing I'm ascending. How absurd it all is. Sometimes it makes me feel quite sick."
- M.C. Escher

Isn't this a very interesting thought? We attempt to climb higher into the heavens at times and find out that were are only humans and just fall back to earth, the middle where we walk endlessly and then at times we seem to want to sink into hell but it is impossible also as we are still among the living.... only when we die will we move on to one or the other... and I think that depending on your lifes overall direction either towards knowing and loving our god or towards self and towards embelishing in sucking life from self, that is the direction your momentum is built up towards once you die and your spirit is pointed in that direction.
Anyway whateva... just a thought I never know how much of myself I even believe. I love M.C. Escher's work... he was a genius. If you ever get the chance pick up a book of his prints and not only look at them but read his commentary, it will send you into a world you've never ventured out into before.

I really am at a loss for words lately... I have no idea where to start my writing at this time... nothing really is coming to me. Not that it matters too much though as no one seems to even read much from this site... well things are awesome with elena being here and all... I love her so much... its truely amazing.... My love for her has grown more than it seems humanly possible right now... I've never felt so hopefull about my future till now... we were talking and all of the sudden I realized exactly what I need to be doing for the next 2 years... god made me realize exactly what he wants me to do and where to go... its very cool... but unfortunatly at this time I cannot give any of my plans away (even though no one reads this much anyway)... much needs preperation. We are so excited. and I am yet again lost for words... sorry this entry is so lame.

To furnish a word of greatness,
They scour this earth for a meaning.
A mouthfull of dirt.

Haunting rooms with a mind,
A mind of will and a mind of strength.
Dust may be given.

Jarred bars of regret in each step.
Aerial brain crashes litter the sky.
And once again the world meets the rain.

Soaking up in vigilance,
Coward hoards of extroversion.
Blenching from the self.

When will the recoil stop?
The gun still hanging in mid fire.
Shaking hands with the bullet of his time.

These words uttered from the mouth of a child.
The hope that we create.
That once may be solid.
That may it all end,
We still live.
In the mind of our hope.

Humbly stretching the will of time,
I seek out this foreign matter of accompaniment.
So giving in company of love.
Treating me to the warmth of this body that perplexes my soul.
Her spirit overlays my own and fills in the trenches that were meant for war.
No longer am I broken glass under bare feet.
Here I am.
Here is I and we.
Solid pure enticing intertwined strands of three.
Holding up the world in our strength.
Tied to the sun of the son.
A light so brilliantly blinding in beauty that no shroud can break.
All that revolves will be sound when the knots are broken and the careful dining hearts finish this course of life... Or is it death?
Here am I.
Here is He.
Solid pure one once was three.

Apparently there is a support group for spammers... check this article out its friggin crazy! A Support Group for Spammers anyway anyone who hates spam should read this... tell me whatcha think.

What is the prominence of a traffic jam Sunday at the end of a dead week that indulged upon your body? That we can continue this livelihood or deplete in our own understanding of will and composure. Surely I'll divide my time amongst those that relieve that sort of outward giving complexion. But no, I will not support the habit of understanding that surfaces among those with no ears, eyes, or mouth. Simply, I put my feet up upon this dashboard I call Sunday, sit back and watch the cars fly by in their impatience. I sing a song for the ears of myself, and see the sights and sounds that surround only to please this eye this ear this breath of tear.

I blog about a blog. a blog blog blog. blogiddy blogity blog blog blog about a blog. Elena is gonna be here in 2 days! blog blog blog. Horray for da blog.

aaaahhhhh coldplay give sleep good good. Man I haven't had this good sleep in weeks. Every night seems to be just a wrestling match with my blankets. But last night... LAST NIGHT was a thing of beauty. I qued up some coldplay in my handy dandy Winamp playa and let it spin. Oh how I was a rock. ohhhhh sleeeeeeep. Man coldplay is one of those bands that are even good for more than just a good listen. Oh!!! wait I wounder what else coldplay can do! Maybe... just maybe... I can get coldplay to clean my room!!!

He he he I made stupid banner go away with my computer savy skizills.... he he he...

Awe inspiring yet ever so tiring...

The Cry of a Street Corner

My soul is given in a song of effort and time,
But I do not ask you of even a dime.
A penny will do, if thats ok for you.
Simple living comes in simple giving.

All that is given will be given.
To all the others locked in this prison.
My heart quakes my fingers shake.
Singing songs to keep the world awake.

What is this meaningless metal?
Something to keep ringing in your pockets?
To show the riches in which you mettle?
Quit popping my eyes out of their sockets.

To me it simply brings physical life,
No more no less. No hassle no mess.
Theres only one thing that brings true life.
One man the creator. Our father the lord.

When does a fire burn out? The cherry to a cigarette an ember in a fire pit last to go out. How far does it go? Do microscopic pieces still burn continuously and endlessly? Down to the atom that still is burning and within it a whole galaxy exploding to create a new universe full of endless universes and endless possibilities? Oh please tell me where has my mind gone? Please someone tell me if they understand me. Someone that reads this I hope you comment on my imaginitory reality. Does it exist? Do I make sense? Am I here or are you here? do you understand or is it but an imaginary illusion that you misconcept?

Texturized sand storms pass through my mind as the ball of mudd still clings to my forehead. I imagine that piece of dust as it floats down in the light of the sun. It falls fast and it falls hard but hardly skims the outskirts of my brow. Thousands upon thousands slowly decend in my 2 second to 3 year ratio of a thought. I plummet along beside the faces of others as they ride their life into a mind. Intercepting, cosmic changing. All known, pre miss of concept. Strangely enough I gather my freedom and move a muscle and turn to look. Gaze upon gaze of filling shadows about the room. They stand and envelope eachother in their anxiety. I stand, I sit, I breathe and I talk. Out and about I resume my quest, in search for a need, a question to answer. How long will transitional corpses gaze in our faces? All I know is I am here for some of the time. In and out the rest of the time. You come to see me but call with no answer. Hello? I raise my hand to smite a will and reject the lost as thought I would not. Oh drift, oh drift, how I love to drift....

Life
Where do I start?
We are but meaningless yet all meaningful creatures roaming a meaningless yet meaningful creation in the midst of larger creation.
Without us, existence would be nothing on this earth.
We are the ant that travels miles in his mind to find great worth in the eyes of his colony. To find food to feed the generations to come.
Without us, existence would be nothing on this earth.
We are not just a brick in the wall but the wall itself. We hold our creation together. We are all steps to create life.
Without us, existence would be nothing on this earth.
Life itself is a tapestry woven by generations to come and generations that came and generations that are.
Without us, existence would be nothing on this earth.
It’s all a song that we sing that changes and shapes as it is passed down yet it never is finished.
Life has no finish.
I need no start.
I am at the start.
The finish does not exist. Therefore I trek from start to finish in every step I take.
I change my existence with every movement. Every breath and every thought.
We are a part of the alpha and the omega
When we speak he speaks, when we dance he dances. And when we despair he despairs.
I need no start.
I am at the start.
This is my journey.
There is no end and there was no beginning.
I am, we are, he is...
Eternally Immortal

The art of streaming consciousness

ME - - - - - - - RANDOM DUDES - - - - - - - SUBCONSCIOUS

....Oh man am I hungry....mmmmm foooood....

"Ganja Cookies! 3 for 5 dollars!"

...hmmm ganja? where have I heard that before?......must be some kinda strange cookie..... from..... uhhhhh..... IndonisiaBraziliaNewGueini.... er... yeah..... errrrrr yeah something like that......

"Ganja Cookies! 3 for 5 dollars!"

... well I am kinda hungry..... why not I got a few bucks....

"Ganja Cookies! 3 for 5..." cuts off mid sentence and gazes my direction. "Ganja cookies? I've also got fresh home made huckleberry lemonade?

"Ummm sure dude." fumbles pockets for money...

"How many do ya want?"

"Ummm I think I'll have just three....." waits as he reaches into the cooler and extracts a a three stack covered in alluminum foil... "thanks..."

"Yeah no problem man I'll be here all weekend..." smirks in an almost audible peculiarity...

...hmmmmm... just a peanut butter cookie... I was hoping for something a little more exotic.... oh well peanut butter cookies are my favorite anyway...blah...blah... *think*... *walk*... *fart a little*......

<--30 minutes later-->

... wow this is the most baddass drum cirlce I eva been too!!!.... finds a seat and grabs a drum... Boom pa chack a boom boom pa chaka chaka

<--15 minutes later-->

... DUDE I'M THE MOST BADDASS DRUMMER IN THE WORRRLLD!!!1 WHOOOOO HAAAAA!!!.... (yes I'm still only thinking this... just screamin in my head... and I meant that 1 to be there I swear)...

... I must be high on drumming!!! how is this possible! I'm entering another DIMENTION!!! I hear more than drums but souls enchanted in song... each drum having its own spirit as the drummer's spirit washes over in distinct tone and melody... they feel the rythm which is more than a sound but a rythm from within... the verry rythm their soul sings, dances, paints, lives, consumes, breaaaathes... it is their life, love, spirit, soul, eternity of concequence and reward. Their birth their resurrection and non concously.... THEM!... the soul that is masked by layers of humanity... only to be brought forth through creation. I am linked to them and them to me as our souls in the spirit relm stand side by side conversing in an unknown and unheard language... We are... humanity... "YAAAAAAOOOHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HOUUUUUAAAAAH" (some sort of undefinable scream).

BOOM! ...BOOM!... BOOM! ... BOOM! ... BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!

Voicessss... Voicessss... Voicessss...
Voicessss... Voicessss... Voicessss...
Voicessss... Voicessss... Voicessss...
Voicessss... Voicessss... Voicessss...

<-- Memory FADES Fades fades... sss...sss sssss -->

BLACK

....Oh wow dude Modest mouse Rules this is the coolest concert.... wait... how did I get here?... wow... wait amm I looking for my brother? oh yeah... no wait... oh I'm stoned... huh? I'm stoned how? what the crap? I didn' t smoke pot... what is going on? I'm insane right? Nooo I remember the drum circle made me high... wow musta been some drum circle... waaaaiit ganja.... ganja? ganja cookies? what were those... they just tasted like normal cookies... Hey dude!! dude!!! yo!!! can you hear me???.... ohhh wait I just said that in my head not out loud... "Hey uhhh... do you know what Ganja cookies are???"

"Yeah man you got some???"

"Uhhh no dude... but what are they?"

"Ya mean ya don't know? they're cookies made with weed man they get you hella F'd Up"



So the remainder of the night consisted of getting lost for hours trying to find my brother... then getting lost from him again called by the intriguing techno music emanating from the EMP sky church. then finally finding my bro again then looking for my car for another couple hours. I couldn't remember from one second to the next. I couldn't remember where I was or where I was going or even that I was looking for my car. In midst all this we ran into the lead sing from modest mouse... only my bro's fav band in the world... and we talked to him and walked with him for a bit and my bro got his frigging Fishing license from him!!! ha ha what the hec? jeremy said that no one would ever believe him so he gave him his friggin fishing license which has his address, phone number and everything on it... anyway so the moral of the story? If you go to bumber shoot this weekend... don’t eat ganja cookies.

So I been working on the loyalty clothing company website lately and man is it coming out awesome... I just can't wait to finish it so I can upload it and get it running for dan...

In the darkness fall,
Seering spiral through the storm.
Try to kindle the pain.
Pyrous names all spilt of rage.
On we trust.
On we fall.
IN

'Tis coming!!!! Chris and I just started plans for something big!!! something huge!!! This may just be the greatest experience in my life. But I can't tell sorry... it will be a while before I can reveal this secret AGHHH! I'm busting at the seems!!! I wanna tell someone!!!

10 Things that have been happening in Joel's life:

1. Work, Work, Work, Work and more Work.
2. Let my baddass Toad go :-( I will miss him.
3. Owing money. I owe the band 200 dollars because of some stupid unauthorized overdraft crap.
4. My cell service interupted cause of late payment.
5. Went to Laser Pink floyd last night with my bro and it was the coolest laser show I seen yet. Way better than laser Metallica and laser Tool combined. and then afterwards we roamed broadway till like 4am and met a crazy bum that wanted to beat the crap out of us for no aparrent reason. I don't know why people can be so damn bitter about life that just from walking past them they begin to curse at you. I think he thought me and my bro were gay lovers er something... AHHH!
6. I'm working on the loyalty clothing website and completely redoing it and its gonna be awesome... (by the way the site thats up wasn't designed by me... the new one will be similar but way better).
7. I'm starting a new band with Sharon, hopefully my friend jordan on guitar and my bro on drums... I'll be singing and playing mostly acoustic cause of my arm injury... I cant wait for this to kick off...
8. ELENA IS GOING TO BE HERE EXACTLY 2 WEEKS FROM TODAY!!! I so can't even wait that long though I have waited a whole year. I MISS YOU SO MUCH BABE! I LOVE YOU!!!
9. I'm last minute thinking about starting up at ITT tech this fall qaurter. I still cannot decide on this course of action.
10. And last yet first on priority above all this other nonsense (Sorry elena your not nonsense so discluding you cause you are what keeps me alive next to god.) Is that I desperately need god right now. I have lost touch these last month I've been out of Zoë university. I have done everything wrong that I could have to loose touch with what I had. I call him back now though. I ask him to live once more in me. and the greatest thing in the world is that I know I could do the same thing a thousand times and he would still try to hug me even though I'm not a very hugable creature. He kills himself over and over me and I constantly drive nails into his arms but he still attempts to come near me and hold me no matter how much I bite back.

I can't stop but think of ever so gazefull eyes upon me. Ever so daunting and perishing. Eyes all filled will deceit. Where is my love? Where is my song? That melody so familiar that used to ring about through my life. It sang and it sang on. Maybe now it is dead. Maybe a new song will sound. But maybe Its only a forgotten syllable lost in a cloud of words. A photograph on a wall that lost its meaning but to the occasional passer by that may glance in a millisecond of appreciation. What have I created? My heart searches to fill this hole with no proper education of anatomy. I tariff my mind in confusion. Reliant on nothing. Severed with only a few hairs to connect my body to reality. Oh love I would of joyous melody to burn in my heart again. Let my earth shake under my feet as it endures harmonic vibrations of mouth. Let the earth hear my soul. Let it feel triumph underneath this ugly marred callus I call self.

Hindered am I not. I will not leash this explosion. It comes forth in magnitude of forgotten levels. It will shake those hanging on walls of their own. They will jump out of their image and reveal their reality. All will be as never before. More than an army. A fleet of ships sent not to destroy the shivering but to warm the waters of death stirring up life and passion in a dish of flavor. Not to be served but to serve. To release those who do not flee to corners of life but join in this one great song, this one salvation army.

Clash no more I say. Melody and harmony will now resound perfectly. All dissonance will wither and be lost. Sectioning of pulses bring our rhythm out in our hands and offer up to the one. May it be done. May it resound. May it Roar. May the depths of hell cower in their death. Conquer we will. Live we will. Triumph will come. All will come to be. All will come but death. Death be no more.

I've lost my song.

The rabid chase the hungry.
Beaming eyes pierce the heart.
The sentinels grow close.
He stumbles into death.

In his eternal moment,
Gazes of faces are locked in memory.
All that remains is still fading.
This is his eternity.

Oh golden clouds you are but near.
Oh how I scream to lose my fear.
Roll in roll on. Cure this song.

Soul and spirit ever so clash.
Evening break never shake.
Send me away, send me away
Take me up in arms of cloud.
Stretch me out and over the sea.
Let me be, let me be.

Let me plunge into arms.
And sleep in peace... sleep... oh sleep...

Who's Got My Back ~ Creed

Run…hide
All that was sacred to us
Sacred to us
See the signs
The covenant has been broken
By mankind
Leaving us with no shoulder…
with no shoulder
To rest our head on
To rest our head on
To rest our head on

Who’s got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
So what is the truth now?

There’s still time
All that has been devastated
Can be recreated
Realize
We pick up the broken pieces
Of our lives
Giving ourselves to each other…
ourselves to each other
To rest our head on
To rest our head on
To rest our head on

Who’s got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
So what is the truth now?

Tell me the truth now…
Tell us the truth now

Who’s got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
So what is the truth now?

After that last blog I had to listen to this song... all must at least listen to this song once through and give it a chance... I believe it to be one of the best songs ever written of the truth of humanity. I wish more people would look past their misconceptions of creed and actually read the lyrics and listen to the amazing music they produce.

How? how do you save someone? how do you save them from the pit they are continualy falling face first into? I understand so so so deeply what they are going through but nothing I can do will stop them. Nothing I say nothing I do will make a big difference. But I struggle on with them trying so hard to find the magic moment to say the magic words that will turn everything around. I stand and comfort. I am their backbone if they will let me be. I am a place to go and hide if they let me be that place. But will that be all I am? Only but just a place to get out of the rain for a while? Why wont they just come in and stay longer than a few short moments to keep them alive from the death they live in. They could stay here in this shelter until the rain stops outside and the blue canopy arises with a soft breeze and the warmth of a cloudless sky. They could then be free in his glory and true beauty. The could harvest the fields of love that he has planted and build a life and a home for those that live as they did. they could be the worlds backbone stronger than I ever was. they can be the greatest place to hide in danger. And maybe when all of us come out of the rain we can all build together, the greatest kindom that ever existed.

O please god let me be the shelter as I am sheltered in you. That way anyone sheltered under me will be sheltered under you. Lord I pray... and again I pray... my heart belongs to you. I don't care what happens to me. Just let this person through if even at the cost of my life. I would sacrifice myself that may they live. "I hope I was an answer, So that you might live!!!"~ creed.

Blue mountains, capped off with snow
Steep and rising as each one grows

Higher and higher, touching a cloud
Only half can be seen, even now

Yellow strokes to circle the sun
Who said love just can't be done?

Plush green hills and a teal blue sky
Never knew my eyes were so blind

To you.

~ Carly Bishop

Wow Carly I like this poem a lot. You have no idea. I love it. Now Poetry can be interpreted many ways by different people and for some people some poetry touches them in some certain way better than others.... This poem to me resembles the perfect love poem. Not some cheesy sappy love poem but a true love poem. It to me has a real and true meaning that just sets my heart afire. Ya know its times like these when I read a poem like this from someone else and realize how my poetry needs to be shared. To me, mine is absolutely meaningless... I pour my soul into it but in my mind it isn't fresh as when I read someone elses... Thanks Carly for inspiration as you always seem to inspire me in some way or another. I just hope that one day my work may inspire as yours does inspire me.

Admittance... why is it that when I admit my screwed up problems to people they never shun me like they are supposed to? It seems that their arms only open wider for me to come in and be loved. I don't deserve that. We don't deserve that. But this is how it should be. And it makes me cry that someone would love me like that... Chris Foutz... he is the man. If anyone that reads this ever meets or knows Chris, give him a big hug. He deserves the world. I have told him things that I cannot tell a whole lot of other people. Same with Heather Kozad. She is super cool. And she gives the best hugs ever. And most of all... My favorite person in the world. Elena my girl. She has forgiven and given more than I ever deserved. I don't know why I'm writing this. Well that's a lie. Actually I just feel so guilty for certain things that have happened these last couple months and it just moves me so much that people still accept me with love. Thank you all for accepting me.

"When you are vulnerable, you risk vast amounts of feelings with the other person. Hence the reason why so many other relational goodness's can be found growing from being vulnerable." ~ Carly Bishop.

And like a great man and friend once said "We need to get so close to each other that we can like poke each other with sharp stuff." ~ Dan Blue. I believe that in order to "Live for so much more..." ~ Switchfoot, we need to be that close and vulnerable. It's only then that we grow. When we admit our faults and accept each others faults and see the true humanity that rests inside each one of us. That is true life. Life only exists in relationship with others.

When it all comes down to it every true joy we have seems to only mean something when others share the experience. When we have a blast doing some great fun thing we constantly try to recreate the experience with words for others around us. It happens every day in every conversation. In every story, every relation. Our greatest true desire as humans is to share love with others and our father. But this world has masked that from us. It constantly throws selfishness at us.

Now there is one problem with being vulnerable to others and the problem is that people will let you down. That is the part that must be overcome. We can't get pissed off cause someone hurt us. We have to look past that and see their humanity underneath the mess this world has created.

So I got this awesome toad I brought back from Eastern washington with me. He's a friggin tank man. I just hope I can find things for him to eat often enough. I may have to start buyin stuff for him cause I never have time anymore... I'm never home anymore. But I at least got an awesome tank for him. He's lookin at me right now. Man this dude is baddass...

So thursday night august 7th, 2003 I saw my very first Metallica concert. It was all I ever dreamed... but then I realized something and that is that I can't really say that metallica is my favorite band anymore. I would have never thought it would come down to that ever. I will always love metallica they were my first love... they are what started me playing guitar. They inspired me for my entire highschool years. But now somehow my love for them has somewhat faded. Their music doesn't quit move me the way it used to. I looked forward to seeing metallica in concert forever and it was all I expected it to be but didn't leave me with that thirst for more as did when I saw Coldplay at sasquatch festival. I still hold to Coldplay being the best concert I've ever seen in my life. I didn't think I would ever say this but I think I have finally taken Metallica down from number one on my favorite band list.

He is near me. And I pull away... he is right there with his arms around me. Yet I continue to test his tolerance to my sins. I know he's right there as I indulge completely aware of my sin. I dont understand myself. Why do I do these things? What good is the spiritual wisdom I've gained when I don't practice it? How come I seem to have the answers to my problems and others around me. I understand more now than I ever have before but I seem to be wrestling in sin more now than ever. Satan attacks those that have great things ahead of them. Right when someone has grown he attacks to try to suppress... well now I'm standing up to his fucking dipshit face and sayin outright.... NO. your done. through the power of jesus christ you are nothing to me. I need not none of you no more. I am done with you. You may leave now.

Intertwining dimensions divide in exquisite tone and melody.
Broken, erratic morphological movements,
Vocally intercept in spirit.

Of three only two may bind as one.
I am one and choose of those on my shoulders.
I the chooser bind with his spirit and together we flourish.

I know it’s possible.
Enter all of me.
Train my thoughts.
Here it comes.

Man I have been gone way too much. I just got back from spokane. I went to see my grandma finally... She is problably ready to go soon. I think seeing us kids may have been the last thing before she leaves. As we left even though she could not see us as she is blind. She had a very sad look in her eyes. Something hidden inside as if she was saying goodbye but could not utter the words. Her worn yet beautiful hands extended towards us with what she thought was three ten dollar bills. In actuality there being two tens and a twenty clasped between her gently shaking fingers. All three of us kids reluctently took her gift not mentioning the twenty that was handed to my sister. I decided to hug her twice. I wished I was there alone with her. There were so many things I wished to ask and tell. I want to go back and tell her about the amazing inspiration she has given me. I wanted to tell her, hey when you get home to be with jesus, give him a big hug for me eh? I would want to sit and listen to her tell me stories about when she was a little girl. I know there is so much love in her soul and wen she gets to heaven she will be the mother of many. Giving love more than needed.

Ok so I just got back from creation yesterday... Creation was awesome... Even though there were only a couple bands there I really care for. The bands that were good were awesome.
Man god has been working in me a lot. I believe he is preparing me big time. My time has come. It is finally here. I can finally see it coming at me. I just finished the first ZU session and I plan on staying in the ZU for at least a year to prepare myself and then god will be sending me elsewhere... I'm not sure where yet but I will know when the time comes.

Check out this new graphic dealy bob I just made cool? not cool? On the list of utter stupidity? Well anyway I has been messin wit photoshop a bunch lately... maybe I am artistic after all... I got a bunch of other stuff even cooler cookin in the works... they'll be up some time soon. Oh and dude today I wrote a new song with my friend sharon... It very cool I've never written with a girl before. We got some really cool vocal harmonies and like the last chorus has like the guy girl vocal melodies all intertwined its awesome I'll post the lyrics below.

Still Here

Still here, waiting for you.
Have you been fading, from view?

I've been woundering where you are.
As the sun is growing dim
Cause I've got nothing left to give
If I can't find you.

Come find me.

You never turn away.
I can hear you say.
You'll never turn away.
After all this time.
You remember.

Have you been waiting for me?
All this time, I just didn't see.

Its a chase after the wind,
That my hearts been following.
You've got everything to give.
If I can't find you.

I'll find you.

You never turn away.
I can hear you say.
You'll never turn away.
After all this time.
You remember.

You never turn away.
     After all this time.
I can hear you say.
     Your still by my side, you remember
You'll never turn away.
     Every tear I cry.
After all this time.
You remember.

Still here waiting for you...

Perilous desire, falling in sanity to the inviting.
I sound the drum of body, beating vulgarly.
Foreign to anything elsewhere, indulged in sickening focus.
Why can't it leave me? Why do I love this death?
Death for myself and yet death to him.

I wear this dead armor as it shields my conscience.
I am consumed in its lie and feeling alive.

Unhinder patience, flying in solemn song.
You sound the drum of spirit, render harmony.
Aware of everything lifeless, filling with enchanting wholeness.
Why am I hiding? Why are you seeking?
Life for myself though still I am killing.

I wear your armor as it lives inside.
I reflect your light from where my spirit resides.

Wow man this weekend was the turning point of my life... the most amazing weekend ever and I feel like I learned more from it than I've ever learned in my lifetime... I feel so full of love right now. If I could only express what happened this weekend... I really wish so... it would take pages of explaining. But so like I went on this road trip with the ZU (Zoë University) which is this leadership type program I guess you would say but not totally... its all about learning from others er something... I don't know how to describe it... I always have a hard time... but what I know though is that I feel that over this last month or so of being in it and especially this weekend, I have learned more than I have ever learned about the truth of our lives and how we are suposed to live. I understand now what I was made for and what we were made for.

Son

Greatly untouched,
Fragile new unbroken unmolded.
Why do I bring this perfect art into a place so full of destruction?
If I can only carry him now, wrapped in armor.
I'm afraid that some day the mud will splatter up and taint his innocent beautiful color.
Will he be weathered? Torn? Smeared in the rain?
I trek on through the endless treachery.

Greatly treasured,
Strongly held in forming hands.
I dread the day when I must pass him on out of my hands and into others.
Uncloaked from my armor, naked and blind.
Will the stitching hold up to the fierce storms that rise?
Will my heart be woven into his own?
As I send him out into endless treachery.

I'm such a tard every time I get home lately I've been too tired to blog. Well today the same thing but Imana blog anyway. So like here is what happened last thursday I'm just gonna paste my convo with car about it in here cause I get really sick of repeating stories everywhere:

Phezini: I gots ta tell ya bout this last thursday..
jeffersonair16: Ok
Phezini: god did something totally amazing...
jeffersonair16: So tell me!
Phezini: ok ok ok I am... so like my friend and I were hanging out for the day getting a little deeply philosofical and spiritual and we were hangin out at this place that was gonna have an open mic... anyway he had shared this vision he has with me that blew me away... aparrenly god gave him this dream of a band where no music was written or practiced but as everyone got up on stage god filled them with his presence so much that they all played together in spirit and in faith that god would lead them......
Phezini: so I was planning on playin one of my new songs at the open mic that night but after our conversation I felt like I wasn't in the right heart when I wrote that song. so anyway I told him I didn't wanna play it and he's like well why don't we just go up there and you play someting whatever god brings you and I'll sing whatever god brings me...
Phezini: so we prayed about it and we prayed that god would just fill us with his spirit and give us music.... so thats what we did.... it was craaaazy man!!!
Phezini: it was so cool
Phezini: god friggin showed up big time
jeffersonair16: Nice!!
jeffersonair16: Great!
Phezini: and I played stuff I neva played before and dan sang amazingly naked words that freaked everyone out there
Phezini: they could feel the presence of god you could see it in their eyes
jeffersonair16: That is really great.
Phezini: none of these people were christians I'm sure
Phezini: but just looking in there eyes as they were so wide open and amazed.... one girl came up afterwards and told us she didn't understand how we could do such a thing... she said not only was the music awesome but she could feel some kind of presence coming from our general direction....
Phezini: and we told her ya know what that is? thats god. jesus christ our lord and savior.... and I spent the rest of the night talking to her and her friends about god
jeffersonair16: Wow... That is really amazing.
Phezini: yeah we are going to continue doing it
jeffersonair16: That's great. :)
Phezini: dan is amazing. we never played anything together but man does he have the most beautifull super talented voice.... he is like Bjork but a guy its strange
Phezini: very unique
Phezini: I never heard anything like him
Phezini: god has just gifted him amazingly
jeffersonair16: Haha. Maybe I'll hear him someday.
Phezini: yeah wanna know what our name is gonna be? its "Sport scar Jesus and the invited 39"
jeffersonair16: That is a crazy intense name.
Phezini: yeah ha ha like you get the sport scar jesus i'm sure but like invited 39 is the number of lashes jesus took
jeffersonair16: Cool.
Phezini: or like something like that... cause the whips back then had something like 3 hooks in them it multiplys out to 39 i think
jeffersonair16: Mm-hmm
Phezini: I can't remember how many times he was whiped
jeffersonair16: I don't know either.
Phezini: dan does man he is like my spiritual guru he is so stinking amazing... I've heard him share things with me I never heard before that really open my eyes

so yeah there ya have it thats what happened and then some if anyone cared to read anyway... bed time.....

ok tonight was 20 times better... I cant believe it. I just gotta say that jesus christ our lord and savior is amazing... he is the king. I'll post a detailed description of what happened later.

Tonight was friggin the coolest! Man talk about a great night. First of all, Worship at the exit was prety cool as ever... although there were way too many instruments on stage and there was a lady singing with us that kept clashing vocaly with robbie and I. Except fortunatly she didn't sing much during actual worship she just played her mandolin. Practice was horrible with it though. Her harmonies were all clashing with mine and Robbie said he was havin a horrible time with it too. Anyway so like afterwards I hung and watched Second wind's preactice... ughhh they are so so stunkin amazing. So as they were practicing rachael notices that outside someone was saran wraping, vaseline and toliet papering robbie's car! he was pissed and ran out there after them but they got away. It was one of the kids from the youth group. Soooo... Ha ha So Robbie, Nate, and I went and found the kid's car (he's a good friend and one of the oldest in the youth group.) at 3 am and we "hot dogged" his car... yes thats right "hot dogged" what does this mean? this means about 5 boxes (around 100 hot dogs in a box) of 2 year old hot dogs, 2 bottles of ketchup, 2 bottles of mustard, 3 loafs of bread a can of easy squeeze cheese and a whole lot of fun and creativity.... We ried to be stealth but there is something absolutely hilarious about dumping safeway bags full of wieners on a car... we were busting up laughing trying to hold it in... but we were never caught. It was awesome... what would you do if you woke up in the morning and your car was covered in hot dogs???

Be here in this cataclysmic array.
Loosing sight, piercing yourself on my thorns.
The thorns I cast in a mold all mine own.
You kill yourself over and over me.

Every hair is a crystalline fiber; radiating and pulsating.
Each is torn and dies a thousand deaths yet lives on.

Color engulfs in electrified flame.
Black that sheathes this Iron casing melts to white.
Layers dissipate in a cloud of dust,
Color pours into this soul.

But will this cloud of dust settle,
Reform, Reshape and encase?
Or will the host flee from its parasite,
Reborn, Replenished and alive?

Mmmm... chevelle good... I need some good angry music right now. I think I'll blast my ears out and head bang wildly. Music has got to be the best invention ever. I like to think of what the first song sounded like... "oooga boga rrraaaaaaaaaahhh ahhhhh ahahh (banging sticks, while dancing franticly about)" I wanna go out and bang some sticks together and rejoice. Make big fire, growl yell and break things... ha ha very strange mood I am in indeed.

Geocaching was friggin awesome... does that make me a geek? whateva it was stinkin fun... and besides I'm already at geek status anyway aren't I? I mean I spend most my time on the internet, I code, I blog, I... am a dork around people lots... anyway I'm done debating my geekness... I been workin on adding a couple pages to this site... I've got room on another server without stupid banner add or nuthin... so I'm gonna have a poetry page a music page agh whateva the hec else...


I pass you by floating on precious waters.
And you steal my heart.
Fleeing with it, singing it a song.
And so I sink down into my solitude.

Winding winds break my thoughts and send them onward.
Laughing to themselves as they finish their steps.
To be... never again... where once he wept.


I furnish this last word
And you breathe on.
Drifting further away.
Drifting as you may.

Yay for me I'm up early early for a great day of Geocaching... aint I such a geek? What am I doing. This is my first time doin this. Goin out with Sussan and her dad (he's the coolest). So whateva... This is MY united states of whateva! Ok enough of that. Off to my Geekoidous journey Hurray for dorkation nations.

ok so I should be in bed right now... like I'm in my room nothing to do I should be in bed. But sometimes on nights like these I can't sleep cause I'm depressed. I think and think about crap that really doesn't matter. I have all the logical reason in the world not to be depressed. But my stupid human brain says "Everything sucks. I'm such a bastard I always fuck up everyone elses lives. ohh ohh ohh I'm depressed poor little me" whatever brain or whatever you are that does this. Sigh...

Cut out this piece of smoldering flesh that’s rotting.
Thoughts buzz around its aroma.
They stop to land.
Maybe to try to mend but they only encase themselves further in the wound.

I dream for the smooth liquid to pour into my soul.
To detach me from this wall I hang on.
This wall infested with termites that slowly dig into the back of my skull.

If I could just float somberly in ecstasy.
Without a body holding me down.
Bathe in the nothingness that surrounds me.
Thinking only of the now

Sussan just enformed me of the following proverb which very much brings greater meaning to my life.

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

Find more of these cool deep thoughts here: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Why do we all seem to have the same story? Every one of us. I don't think people recognize how alone they are not. We all feel alone. There is always a time where we feel alone and unloved but we don't ever take this perspective of how much everyone else feels the same. So why do we always feel alone when everyone else does? It boggles my mind. I constantly try to understand us but I don't think I ever will.

Straining for sight he walks closer to the brilliance.
Only to find that his goal is but pocket change in the hands of his follower.
Spent, he climbs down his treachery.
Back into that tiny hole that seeps up through the mountain of needles.
A hole that is cloned of itself among a thousand eyes.
Eyes all seeing yet perciving the same for themselves.

Caustic it reads, plastered to my sentience.
Blood spills from my ears dripping away casually as I mount my spiral assent.
Whispers reach my fingertips trying to energize my body with their soft melody.
Yet nothing is wild, all is calm.
A bold faceless child, rests in my palm.

My spiral feeds, consuming my conscience.
I count the knots in my tether as I spin franticly pulling them tighter.
The winds are fierce yet I have no cares, the tyrant that holds me has an easy victim.
My breath is vile, into you I stare.
Not even a smile, never a care

I am proud of myself or should I say just happy! Cause I wrote a new song today! even though my stupid arm is screwed up... see the other day up in woodenville I was messin with carly's guitar and wrote some cool stuff i an alternate tuning involving tappin and such with the right hand and just barring with my left thumb (the only friggin functional part of my hand). Anyway I was lookin at my last entry from yesterday and turned ito lyric and melody... I've never been able to do that with a poem before... very cool...

here's somethin kinda funny...

Monkey: yo yo
"D_RAE: hey u how u doin?
"D_RAE: hows u'r arm?
Monkey: doin good... just got back from physical therapy crap
"D_RAE: yea cool.. how was it..
"D_RAE: u able to pull the middle finger yet..
"D_RAE: that should be the first lesson
"D_RAE: ;)
Monkey: ha ha!!
Monkey: nope not yet

horray horray for me... Today I go to occupationl therapy... no not physical therapy occupational therapy... why is it called that don't ask me. Then I'm hangin up in da hizouse with kendra then I"m off to the exit for another worship wednesday horray horray I feel snazzy today!

Solace, so heartless.
I breathe in and I taste this air.
Consuming it shakes me, confusing and yet awaking.
I shiver at the still water beneath me.
And along I rest floating and sleeping.

My toes just ever so close.
with my body frozen in time.

How could I ever be alive?
When will the beauty arise?

The glimer from above reflects in an ambient song.
through the deep... oh to keep... oh to keep.
drift, drift away, let mist over shadow this underspoken costly heart.

Oh hizzy... I has been assimilated... its true the blog has taken me and they are wearing funny suits with like uh stuff on them... I think one of them is named carly but then like no wait she isn't carly anymore she has been assimilated long ago and is one of us as I am now one of them and have no name.
So like its great cause I talk like someone is here listening but I don't think anyone has read my blog yet but dats coo. But dude... last night was very cool... I was at Zoë University and like I in a way felt... popular? what me? I've always been the behind the scenes dork that sometimes got attention but only when people wished to make fun. But anyway so like we was doin this skit and it was basicly like the SNL celebrity jeopardy er thats what we mad it to be (my idea he he he) anyway I was Keanu Reeves as a contestant and my friend chris foutz (one of the funniest guys on the plannet and alwaz getting attention) was sean connery anyway so like I totally didn't wanna do this cause I been told a million times I am horrible with impersonations especially accents. But I had done a little keanu impersonation for my group and they made me do it up in front everyone. So like we did our skit and like I made everyone bust up laughing big time and I don't know how... er I do but no one ever laughs at my jokes usually cause I usually just have too different of a sense of humor. But like afterwards everyone was talkin about it and getting me to do keanu again and by the end of the night I was dubbed keanu... we went to red robin and like I talked my head off like I normally do but for some reason everyone listened to me this time. people I thought would never talk to me were all talking to me and I felt at the center of attention... It started to feel like a conspiracy at first and it freaked me out big time. I'm sitting there at the end of a table and people start talking to me that never talk to me like this girl named sarah who started asking bout my friends in woodnville and I'm like "what is goin on here?" and I asked her that too I'm like where did that come from... It seriously felt like a conspiracy. Anyway its nice to finally feel at the center of attention for once in my lifetime yeah that may sound a little selfish but the fact is that I never been at the center of attention.. its kinda neat. oooooh I write too much I can see how addicting this is gonna get real fast

So yay heres my blog yo... Car you may be hooking me... I'm gonna be sucked in eh? Well anyway I'm gonna be posting me poetry all that jizzazz... so why don't I start with my latest poem... and man this sucks typing with one hand which by the way yeah I friggin cut arm to pieces 3 weeks ago but I wont friggin explain that cause I am tooooooooo sick of talkin bout that one.
So like my great grandmother is in the hospital k? like she is going to die. no doubt about it. In fact she wants to die. not like cause she is depressed or anything but cause she is ready to go home to our true home to heaven to live truely the way our spirit is meant to flourish. And she feels totally at peace about it. Its kinda a mix of joy and saddness i get about the whole situation cause I really want to see her before she dies but i haven't been able to go over there (she's in spokane). But on the other hand I am very happy for her cause she is about to be in such a place she deserves out of this horible body and screwed up world. I really look up to her and my great grandpa more than anyone else... they are just great role models.... so anyway here is what I my "sporatic ictus" created yesterday.


Out of this world I creep in silence
falling unbound into those arms
the arms of peace and liquid joy
dispersing, withering my body quakes
but only my body of worldly taste
not my soul, my soul awakes